akingthomas100 PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
Posts : 32 Age : 44 Join date : 2011-10-05 Location : Mobile, Alabama
| Subject: Rest In Peace Fri Oct 14, 2011 7:44 pm | |
| Lord,
You call on every man to depart from earth. Then, Only the body is laid to rest, underneath the dirt. We know all men will have their days, But this man; his life was so full of praise! We know you called him to a better home, And still, it hurts a loved one to see him gone. It was so much of his last words to hear him say, Hoping and praying that he would go to a special place. He was announced on this earth by the one above, And for all the respect, he gave much of his love. He was heading down the road in the wrong lane, Yes! We thank YOU lord, for taking away his pain! For no one really knows why he had to pass, But it was this day that you chose to give him peace. At last! |
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outgoing102 NEW KID ON THE BLOCK (0-5 Posts)
Posts : 1 Join date : 2011-10-18
| Subject: Re: Rest In Peace Tue Oct 18, 2011 3:12 pm | |
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Lora SITE ADMINISTRATOR
Posts : 5907 Age : 53 Join date : 2011-07-26 Location : Southern CA
| Subject: Re: Rest In Peace Tue Oct 18, 2011 3:28 pm | |
| Very beautiful. It's like a healing balm. Here's a couple of small suggestions:
For this line: Then, Only the body is laid to rest, underneath the dirt. Consider taking off the ending, "underneath the dirt," it still makes sense and takes out a few unneeded, extra words.
In this line: It was so much of his last words to hear him say, Consider taking out "so much of"
In this line: Hoping and praying that he would go to a special place. consider taking out the word "that"
In this line: He was announced on this earth by the one above, Consider capitalizing "One" to make it clear it is referencing the Lord
In this line: Yes! We thank YOU lord, for taking away his pain! Capitalize "Lord" In this line: But it was this day that you chose to give him peace. consider taking out the word "that"
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| Subject: Re: Rest In Peace | |
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