Beady Eyed Snake

Subject: Beady Eyed Snake Wed Nov 30, 2011 9:44 am

I hope you enjoy reading this. I can laugh at the situation now, but it was a little difficult at the time it was taking place.

By

Jan Phillips

Some of the names may have been changed in this story to protect their identity.

I live almost in the country but very close to town on five acres. Next door to me is an open field where hay is grown. The rodent population starts looking for a warm place to set up housekeeping each fall when it starts getting cold. I swear sometimes I can see them carrying their little suitcases and making a line for my house. In my dining area, I have two shelves completely devoted to salt and pepper shakers. I’m only collecting the odd, unusual, or rare now. Also, in my kitchen area above the cabinets is a ledge that runs all the way around the kitchen where the bigger salt and pepper shakers reside.

A constant struggle goes on with the rodents because of my Oreo cookies. I always keep Oreos on hand because every one likes them so well including the nasty little buggers known as mice. So, I am always trying to figure out how the keep mice out of the cookies and they are always trying to find ways to get at them. They are very inventive when it comes to Oreos. The only thing that may be worse than all others is snakes. I am very frightened of them as is my husband. I do believe he is worse than me in being scared of them.

That sets the stage for what happened to me several years ago about this time of the year. I had gone shopping and then as now it got dark early because of daylight savings time. My husband was out on the road in the truck at the time so was not home. When I arrived home, I immediately carried the results of my shopping trip into the house. As yet, I had not turned on any light. When I turned on the light, I noticed some of the salt and pepper shakers from the shelf above the cabinets had been knocked to the floor and some had even broken. I thought to myself “It must have been an earthquake, sonic boom, or the railroad switching yard across the street getting crazy.” I called my husband to see if he had heard of anything going on while listening to the radio. He had not, so we hung up and I began to clean up the mess.

Then I heard a rustling noise in the cabinet. I figured it was one of my little rodent friends seeking some Oreo. “Of course that’s it. Since I just arrived with the cookies they caught the fresh wind of chocolate.”

I thought. Determined to win this particular battle and armed with a fly swat, I advanced on the cabinet with the rustling noise. I figured I would swat it enough to stun and then take it outside to fend for itself.

Quietly I crept across the kitchen and eased the cabinet door open. No rodent ran out or was seen. I was standing there wondering what made the noise when suddenly a snake rose from behind the dishes to stare at me eye to eye.

I dropped the fly swat and slammed the cabinet door. I called my husband on the phone again and was yelling gibberish. When I finally was able to talk coherently, I explained the situation and ask him “what should I do?” He immediately replied “shoot it” ! I said “If I shoot it, it will make an awful mess and there will be a hole in the wall, not to mention where else the bullet will go.” He said “shoot it anyway or call that friend of yours who does the rattle snake hunts”. “I don’t have his number” I replied. He asked where I was and of course I told him I was staring at the cabinet because I didn’t want the snake to escape into some part of the house where I would not find it.

He wanted to know if it was poisonous and of course, I had no clue because it looked mean and huge and I was not going to open that cabinet door without a big game hunter there. He said he would call me later and hung up. Even if it was not poisonous it could cause me to hurt myself real bad trying to get away if it got loose. By that time, I was so scared it would get loose in the house that I now needed to use the bathroom. What to do? I propped something against the cabinet door and went to do my business.

Returning to the kitchen, I thought about calling my neighbor Lee and seeing if he could come over so I called my hubby back and asked what he thought. He said “Go ahead and try it, and let me know.” He hung up once again. I called Lee and he was not home and said it would take him a little while before he could get here but would come as soon as he could. So once again I called my husband and told him I would let him know what happened. We hung up. I sat at the kitchen counter staring at the cabinet door for about forty five minutes waiting for Lee to show up.

When Lee arrived I explained the situation and showed him the cabinet where the snake was. He said he was going to need something to stand on because he was so short. I brought him a stool and did not realize he had arthritis so bad and he had a problem getting on the stool. I felt so bad then. He said “What have you got to use to capture or kill it with?” The only thing I could come up with was a long handled barbeque fork. He opened the cabinet door and of course there were dishes there so we had to start moving the dishes so he could get to the snake. We carefully removed each thing and sat it on the counter. He got enough stuff removed to try to get the snake. He could now see it and it didn’t look too happy. He then grabbed the fork and tried to stab the snake. It of course resisted being stabbed and the fight was on. He finally forked it and then hollered “get me a big garbage bag”. I got the bag and he started to move the snake to the bag and it decided it was not going in and so wiggled until it came off the fork and fell down to the top of the counter.

At this point I was breathing heavy and thought I might be having a heart attack. He was on top of the stool shaking like a leaf waving a long handled fork in one hand and a big green garbage bag in the other. Both of us now could not figure out what to do. The snake once again hid behind things on the counter and the search was on since neither of us saw exactly where it hid. I decided that it was time to start praying. That is only the second time I think I have every prayed that hard. At that point a vase fell into the bag. I was reluctant to remove the vase because I wasn’t sure the snake wasn’t in there and there was a man standing on a stool above my head shaking so bad he was in danger of falling waving a long handled fork. He finally persuaded me to get it so I did and the snake was not there. He finally located it trying to slither along the counter, got a good shot and forked it harder this time. He wanted me to hold the bag and I couldn’t do it so he attempted to put the snake in the bag. The snake did not want to get in the bag and resisted with everything it had. Lee was still standing on the shaking stool holding a garbage bag trying to stuff the snake in on the end of the fork. He wanted to save the fork for me. I said “forget the fork and put it all in the bag.” So in it all went together. The snake was still struggling as hard as it could and Lee could barely get down off the stool with the bag holding the struggling snake.

Lee said “What do you want me to do with it?” “Kill it” I said. So we carried the bag, snake, and fork outside. Then he wanted to know what to use to kill it. Of course, I didn’t have anything handy and I thought a gun would be a bit much at the point. I finally located a shovel and he tried to stab it through the bag and I was afraid the snake would escape. Finally, I yelled “beat it to death.” He did. Then he wanted to know what to do with it. I told him to take it with him because my hubby would freak out if he saw a dead snake around. We never were able to determine if it was poisonous. I don’t think it was, but I really did not care right then.

The rodent population was now out of luck as in all the worry and excitement, I had eaten all the Oreos.

I called my husband and told him the house was clear of snakes and I was going to lie down. He said it sounded like I had been running for miles as hard as I was breathing. I went to bed.

Subject: Re: Beady Eyed Snake Wed Nov 30, 2011 11:02 am

Oh my goodness, what a nightmare. I'm not that afraid of snakes, poisonous or otherwise, but I can't imagine finding one in my house. That would put a kink in my curlers for sure.

Subject: Re: Beady Eyed Snake Wed Nov 30, 2011 1:00 pm

I was aiming for some humor. Hope I didn't miss the mark too far.

Subject: Re: Beady Eyed Snake Wed Nov 30, 2011 1:14 pm

I could definitely see the humor. Especially picturing the little man perched on top of a stool, trying to help, but not seeming to know what to do any more than you did. I can especially see humor in watching him take a shovel and beating the tarnation out of that snake like a mad man. Though, my final thoughts as I read it were, "They just killed an animal that would help control the mouse population. Now what is she going to do about all those mice?"

Subject: Re: Beady Eyed Snake Wed Nov 30, 2011 6:51 pm

Subject: Re: Beady Eyed Snake Wed Nov 30, 2011 7:04 pm

Awe...smart. They're much cuddlier than snakes.

Subject: Re: Beady Eyed Snake Thu Dec 01, 2011 1:53 pm

The humor is all over this, laughed outloud...had me in stitches:

"I swear sometimes I can see them carrying their little suitcases and making a line for my house." (hilarious!!)

"Determined to win this particular battle and armed with a fly swat" (hilarious!!)

"The snake did not want to get in the bag and resisted with everything it had"
(ya' think?!!...hilarious!!)

Didn't know you were so funny, you are full of surprises, love your stories!!

Actually the snake was after the mice which were after the oreos...etc.

This made my night, just got in from a two day run, thank you...God Bless !!

Had a similar situation with my hysterical neighbor coming over, losing her mind over two chicken snakes in the coop.
I don't like them either so I went and got someone else to kill them.

Subject: Re: Beady Eyed Snake Thu Dec 01, 2011 2:57 pm

I woulda kilt 'em for ya. I'm such a tom boy. My dad wanted boys, got two girls instead, and made due with what he had.

Subject: Re: Beady Eyed Snake Thu Dec 01, 2011 4:11 pm

Glad you enjoyed it. It really was funny in the after thought, but not so much while taking place. My hubby still swears he would have shot it in spite of the damage. He's worse than I am. By the way, the rodent population has been taken care of successfully so my oreos are mine once again.

Subject: Re: Beady Eyed Snake Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:56 pm

Hey!!!! Snakes are people too!!!!!!!!! Don't let one satan ruin it for all the snakes! Gheesh! Stop the violence!!!! :P :P :P I use to play with rattle snakes when I was a teenager. Fun for all ages. :P

Subject: Re: Beady Eyed Snake Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:58 pm

You're a trip sometimes worshipfreely. LOL

Subject: Re: Beady Eyed Snake Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:03 pm

I am a strange duck for sure. Go Ducks!

Subject: Re: Beady Eyed Snake Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:20 pm

Well, I had a brother who used to stake out water moccasins down by the river, but mom wouldn't let him go back and turn them loose. My theory is, I don't go messing in their territory and they shouldn't mess in mine. He might have been after my oreos. Those rodents carry tails you know.

'

Subject: Re: Beady Eyed Snake Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:25 pm

You must protect Oreos at all costs!!!!! Agreed

Subject: Re: Beady Eyed Snake Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:28 pm

LOL, Oreos are a serious business these days.