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THelvig APPRENTICE (6-25 posts)
Posts : 18 Age : 43 Join date : 2011-08-25
| Subject: Where I've Been Fri Sep 02, 2011 10:36 am | |
| through thick and thin, out and in where im going, where ive been whats right is right, wrong is wrong and i sing the same old song woe is me, how can it be? can there be some good in me? inside out, pass blame about my head is filled, nagging doubt hope is dashed, my life has flashed before my eyes, i have crashed into a wall, now i fall to the heavens my voice calls where are you now? looking down? please save me before i drown my answer came, pouring rain the irony causing pain through the fear, breath in my ear as my heart breaks i hear "through thick and thin, out and in where you are, is where ive been..."
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christianonfire7 PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
Posts : 49 Join date : 2011-08-13
| Subject: Re: Where I've Been Fri Sep 02, 2011 11:17 am | |
| I like the overall message of this piece. I'd advise to cape the 'I'ves 'I's and so on' and also the first letter of each new line.
my head is filled, nagging doubt maybe add 'with before nagging ' My head is filled with nagging doubts.'
whats right is right, wrong is wrong 'What's right is right, what's wrong is wrong.'
my answer came, pouring rain 'My answer came like pouring rain.'
through the fear, breath in my ear 'Through the fear breathed in my ear.'
Other then those few things this is a really nice piece, and of course you don't have to make any of the changes, it's just a suggestion. :)
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oneagleswings ADMIN II
CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW SUPPORTER 2X POETRY CONTEST WINNER Posts : 4323 Age : 64 Join date : 2011-08-30 Location : south carolina
| Subject: Re: Where I've Been Fri Sep 02, 2011 11:33 am | |
| especially loved this: "through thick and thin, out and in where you are, is where ive been..."
Peace.
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THelvig APPRENTICE (6-25 posts)
Posts : 18 Age : 43 Join date : 2011-08-25
| Subject: Re: Where I've Been Fri Sep 02, 2011 11:50 am | |
| thanks to both of you for your comments!
christianonfire- alot of times i will capitalize (I, I'm, I've etc), but i think my aim was more to minimalize self (note the tone)
also, my answer came, pouring rain 'My answer came like pouring rain.'
through the fear, breath in my ear 'Through the fear breathed in my ear.'
i agree that both of these adjustments would work, but i was going for the literal...
thanks again! nothing is better than input!!! |
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christianonfire7 PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
Posts : 49 Join date : 2011-08-13
| Subject: Re: Where I've Been Fri Sep 02, 2011 12:05 pm | |
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oneagleswings ADMIN II
CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW SUPPORTER 2X POETRY CONTEST WINNER Posts : 4323 Age : 64 Join date : 2011-08-30 Location : south carolina
| Subject: Re: Where I've Been Fri Sep 02, 2011 12:29 pm | |
| I should have added that I liked how you tied the first verse to the ending very clever play on words and effective. I will also add that I do not feel even remotely qualified to critique anyone's work, better left to those more educated and tutored than I. This site is replete with those who have that particular gift and provide a great resource for us all. Peace again.
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THelvig APPRENTICE (6-25 posts)
Posts : 18 Age : 43 Join date : 2011-08-25
| Subject: Re: Where I've Been Fri Sep 02, 2011 1:47 pm | |
| i agree. i think i have a lonnnnnng way to go before i even feel comfortable trying to critique. im too harsh on myself to even try... |
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Lora SITE ADMINISTRATOR
Posts : 5907 Age : 53 Join date : 2011-07-26 Location : Southern CA
| Subject: Re: Where I've Been Fri Sep 02, 2011 4:45 pm | |
| Most people who read poetry have never been educated in poetry, much less attended even one formal class in poetry. However, they do know what they like and what sounds good them and what doesn't. Please take it from someone who has been formally educated in literature and poetry that even laymen, maybe especially laymen, have a lot to offer. Academics tend to over think things, whereas, the general public is who is reading your work. Please do not be shy in offering your opinions. Whether you think so or not, you are all very talented in your own rights and have a lot to offer others on this site. It is up to them to take it or leave it. God Bless you all! |
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