I've never shared my whole testimony, I've always felt, the past is in the past. But I think to truly move on you have to acknowledge that the past did happen, even if now you live an entirely new life. Which I well and truly do!
I grew up in a "Christian" home. My mother, a genuine believer of Jesus but not quite sure how to put her whole life in His hands and truly follow Him. And my father, an abusive alcoholic who managed to sober up enough every few Sundays to go to church and pretend to be a christian. It certainly was never an easy environment.
I would pretend to fall asleep as my father sat next to me singing runrig "the old boys" to me. Once I heard Him leave and go downstairs I took my pillow and lay under the bed and listen to him shout and abuse my mum until he left to go get drunk. I always heard my mum crying after. I would lie there praying that if there was a God, for Him not to let my dad come home that night, until eventually I would fall alseep.
Occasionally I would wake up still under the bed the following morning, but ussually I was woken in the middle of the night. When my father would come home drunk, he would drag me out from the under the bed, whispering that I had to keep quiet and then rape me.
I soon became used to this reality and by the time I was 7 I stopped speaking to anyone and soon developed my own little safe world. I had a "best friend" Kelly, who only exsisted in my head and she was always with me!
School was horrible, I grew up in a small village and all the parents knew that my father walked walked back into the house drunk everynight. The children used to come up to me and tell me that their parents said my father was a bad man, and they shouldn't go near him. So I would hide the the trees and bushes at the back of the play ground with "kelly" sometimes for whole days and the teachers would phone my mum and then the police. Unfortunately the teachers found my hiding spot and would just drag me back to class. I developed selective mutism and the teachers got really frustrated with me!
In church they knew something was wrong. Now when I speak to the kids/youth worker there she can tell me how she saw me change. I stopped going to the sunday school and sat in the main service with my mum, doodling and having conversations in my head with "kelly"
Eventually my father left when I was about 10. He had been cheating on my mum for years. I think he went with one of those women. We didn't hear from him for about 2 months. And then he turned up at my school and took me to my grandparents about 150 miles away. My mum knew nothing about it and phone the police when I was gone. She then moved me in with one her best friends and an old close friend of mine so my dad wouldn't find me. I was then banned from seeing him.
For the 2 years I didn't see him I became a bit more normal. I grew out of my SM and I started to socialize with real children my age and I moved school, where no body knew my past and people got to know me rather than judge who my father was. Until high school I felt like a regular kid. My mum took me to see him one day and I really struggled to deal with it but my mum stayed and we met in a park so it wasn't awful. My father was telling me that he had changed. I didn't believe a word, however my mum did and thought that if this could work it was important for a girl to have a relationship with her father so took me back a few times to see him.
The summer before high school started I was sent to a Christian camp, which really freaked me out! I had completely given up on the idea of a God. The first couple of days I found myself in a really strange place because although I was in a better place there was a man standing at the front telling me this huge God loved me! I had no idea how to react to this! I had never been felt I was truely loved and didn't believe that the message was for me, that I was just there at the wrong time. Or that it was aimed at the others in the room. So instead after a few days I just stopped listening. I would write or sketch. I really enjoyed the rest, I went horse riding and play lots of sport and made new friends!
So then high school came! I was starting to have a hard time with my father again. When I got back my mum let me see him by myself and I discovered he hadn't changed a bit! I was terrified. But I couldn't tell my mum. My selective mutism came flooding back which cause bulling to start at school. I started hating school. I then started self harming. My grades were awful, I started fights and smashing classrooms. I spent alot of time in "quiet rooms" away from other pupils or in detention.
My mum grew worried about me again. She was hearing about my distruptive behavior at school and took me to the beach to try and cheer me up and just spend time with me to find out what was going on. It was there she found out I self harmed. I wouldn't answer any questions and she was understandably growing frustrated with me and then she pulled off my jumper telling me it was too hot and to stop being stupid. I didn't stop her in time and then she saw all the cuts down my arms and she just broke down crying and I had to quickly pull my jumper back on while everyone around us stared.
Later I tried to comfort her by telling her I couldn't tell her why but it had nothing to do with her. So then she sent me to a therapist. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Then the next few years where such a blur! I spent alot of my time either drunk or high. Or a little of both. I stopped going to school and hardly spent any time at home. I continued to cut aswell and then one night while I think high, prob speed or LSD I cut through a vein while out walking at night. I eventually fainted through blood loss. I don't have any memory of the next 2 days. I was told a police man found me, got me to hospital and I spend 2 days unconscious as my body recovered form blood loss and detox.
This however didn't deter me from my lifestyle and eventually I was put into hospital again but this time in the psychiatric ward. I had been in a few times now but only for OD's or cutting too far. I hated it so much this time. I was watched constantly and even going to the toilet somebody stood outside and checked my body after! As soon as I got taken off 24 hour watch I started self harming very badly and they put my in an empty room thinking it would stop me. I waited until I knew they had stopped watching and then smashed the light bulb and used that to cut and banged my head repeatedly off the wall. so of course I passed out and woke up once again in a hospital bed attached to a drip.
Eventually I got better and was let out. I still drank and took drugs at the weekend and occasionally self harmed but on the whole I was doing much better. I went to a new high school and then went back to the Christian camp. This time the speaker talked about addiction and on the third day I completely broke down! A member of staff prayed with me for ages and for the first time I experienced Jesus.
I didn't instantly become a Christian but I went back to my old church and I started to ask lots of questions. I wanted to start to get to know Jesus. I found Christianity hard to deal with. I still couldn't understand the idea of Jesus loving me, and I didn't particulary want to ggive up control of my life. I reached almost rock bottem when I found out I was pregant and completely rock bottem when I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregancy and had a miscarrage. At this point I was already interested in Christainity, went to church, did the bible studies and want to know more. But after that I decided I needed to change. I had lots of stange experiences with Jesus already, asked my questions and got to understand the bible but I had been in a long battle with God about the control of my life. He just kept pestering me to follow Him completely. So one day, actually a bit through annoyance I shouted at God (in the kids/youth workers car) saying "fine have my life! see if you can make my sick mind better!"
Anyway I have now moved away from home and working as a live in carer for an amazing boy with special needs and a part time volunteer childrens worker at an amazing church. My whole life is in Jesus' hands and I have an amazing relationship with Him. Bits of life are still up and down. My mum is very ill and I'm so far away from her which makes me very sad, but I know Jesus is looking after her, and I even have a relationship with my father! He's no longer abusive to me, has a new wonderful partner, but still struggles with drink. Although I still find myself wanting to self harm sometimes, I have now stopped self harming, and stopped drinking and taking drugs.
My life feels worlds apart from what it was. Thanks to Jesus I am now happy, have a future, have a purpose and best of all... I know I am loved by Him!
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