Help, please!

For my final exam in my evangelism class He is having us write something pertaining to evangelism or the Gospel, and he prefers originality and creativity so I decided to use poetry. It would be amazing if I could get some almost harsh scholarly critique on the two poems I'm using! Or some points I need to clear up or use synonyms! The first one is my marriage of Christ poem that I edited slightly for the exam to emphasis te Gospel.


Scott camp version

With nails being driven into His opened hands
A crowd had gathered as the question stands
Do you take this whore to be your wife?
I do! He shouted as the breath left His life

On the altar with tears running down my face
In complete awe of the man who took my place
With but one life changing decision left to make
This man wants to be your husband will you partake?
I do! I do!
Jesus I want to be betrothed to You.


I love You I love You please know that I do
But Jesus my Jesus I've been cheating on you
Why would you deal with this mess?
Why would you deal with every sin you know I've commited before I even confess?!

"Because I love you so much!"

But Jesus no you don't understand I've done nothing but sinned by the palms of my hands!
"Oh my Bride I do understand
I tasted your sin when they drove nails through my hands!"

But Jesus you're so far away I can't stand to be apart!
"My Beloved I'm closer than you think I poured out my love for you when the spear pierced My heart!"

BUT JESUS I STILL CANT SEE! How can I see?

"put your fingers through the holes in my palms and feet if it helps you believe!"

BUT JESUS!!!
"My beautiful Bride, no more 'buts' I know that you've sinned so I gave you My blood!
I know that you're lonely so I gave you true love!
I know you can't see me but beloved believe!
I gave you my spirit so we can still speak!
I gave you a lift when you needed a lift
I love you SO much I even gave you gifts!
I didn't die to leave you
I died to rise again!
I ripped the veil from your eyes
And washed away your sins
As you wished I took your life
And now you're born again
So My dear Church don't tell me you can't go on
For I am with you!
Stand up and walk!"

Oh my groom what a gripping gift to give!
You laid down your life for me and now I truly live!
But Jesus...my Jesus
I can't wait for our honeymoon on High
when the church bells will be ringing and paradise will descend from the sky
You told me forever
And to me you've never lied
I've come to full realization of why you died

And this one, my testimony I call Sinbox Seth


I've been living in a box
Trapped in a closet
fumigating my lungs with all my bad habits
there's trash on the floors like there's cobwebs in the attic
when the walls begin to crumble
I build them up like an addict.

I'm in love with the pain
I keep it in a locket
Happiness, however
I keep next to my secrets deep in my pockets

The cracks in my heart leak into the cracks in my feet
Dispersing my life into the ground beneath
There's a window to my soul to show where my face is
with blinds over the window to show that i'm faceless.
this cell has many other facets in which I cope
but still I cling to the fact that I have no hope.
I clear my internet's history just to clear my conscious
But all my sin remains locked in this closet

The man on the stage talks about Jesus like He's actually here with us
that Love was real and God personified it
and sent his only son to die on a cross
and rise again three days later with keys to my closet.

The keys are universal they unlocked my heart
They unlocked the door that kept Jesus and I apart

as I walk into the open field of ministry
So many people say they believe in me, no!
Thank you dearly but believe in Christ through me
hopefully molding me boldly to prophesy to the hopelessly broken people of the world around me!
so thank you dearly
thank you for listening to my story as it unfolds before me

I can't find a thing I would change but I only write simple verses.

I hope you share with us when you get an A on your exam.

I'll give it my best shot, Malakhim. Here's some suggestions for the first poem and I'll get to the other one as soon as I can. Here it goes:

I love You, I love You, please know that I do
But Jesus, my Jesus, I've been cheating on you
Why would you deal with such a mess?
Why would you deal With every sin you know I've committed before I even confess?!

But, Jesus! You don't understand,
I've done nothing but sinned by the palms of my hands!



"Oh, my Bride! I do understand,
I tasted your sin, as they drove nails through my hands!"

But, Jesus, you're so far away,

I can't stand to be apart!



"My Beloved, I'm closer than you think,

I poured out my love for you, as the spear pierced My heart!"



BUT, JESUS! I STILL CAN’T SEE!

How can I see?

"My Beloved, put your fingers through the holes in my palms and my feet!"



BUT JESUS!!!


"My beautiful Bride, No more 'buts'

I know that you've sinned, so I gave you My blood!

Hope that helps a little.

Sorry about the first one I posted, but after I pasted it into the website, it didn't keep all the formatting to show all the suggested changes. So, I've attached a word document that shows all the suggested changes for both poems.

Thank y'all so so so much! Lora I've used a lot of your edits! Stuff I didn't even think of because I had read it over so many times! And the last stanza of my testimony poem is awkward because when I write anything I write it according to my slam style and that part I read really fast and it has a flow to it. But again, thank you so much!

Now you've gone and done it! I really, really want to hear one of your readings now. I'm a sucker for slam poetry! So, I guess it's your turn to start posting a few readings for us. We finally got oneagleswings to spit a few for us, but we're still working on Miss Thena.

When I revised your work, of course, I was thinking in terms of written poetry, but since you have to turn in a written piece it might help a bit. I'm glad you were able to use a lot of it. That's cool! I'm going into finals right now too, so I can relate.

Sorry no scholarly advice here, but..... :)
RE Scott camp version

Quote :

I can't wait for our honeymoon on High
when the church bells will be ringing and paradise will descend from the sky

My favorite part...make my heart go pitter patter for Jesus

Sinbox Seth

Also great, overall strong use of testimony to point to Jesus

Quote :

hopefully molding me boldly to prophesy to the hopelessly broken people of the world around me!

Hopefully molding me boldly ....is very strong and rolls off the tongue
The rest of the line doesn't seem as poetically strong to me but... I can't "hear" how you would be reading it. If it were me I would consider changing the wording

I agree, would love to hear some recordings of your work!
And Thena too!

My poems are more like

Roses are red
Violets are blue...

compared to yours and Eagleswings....


I don't think I'm slam material.....:-)

So I went into class this morning an turned my paper in, and watched all my peers who wrote songs perform theirs and just thought to myself "I have to get up there and slam" so I did! I was extremely nervous as it's the biggest crowd I've slammed in front of (50) and most of them very intelligent people, but they loved both of my poems, and towards the end I got comfortable and was moving around! It was extremely encouraging! Thank y'all so much for the help! Oh and I might add my professor loved it too!

How exciting!!

So glad things went well, thanks for sharing!
Don't forget a recording if you are willing

Final exams already but "no one knows the hour."
Glad all went well!!

Woo Hoo! That's awesome!

Writing a part two to this poem! Probably the most emotional piece over ever written and that's saying a lot for me :p