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PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)

Posts : 50
Age : 54
Join date : 2013-07-04
Location : Colorado
Charity : Hope Worldwide

My Story Empty
PostSubject: My Story   My Story EmptyFri Jul 05, 2013 7:34 pm

Part 3
Elaine Brimage II

Subject: My story

As I sat on my porch in the mist of evening, I thought about the long
day that lay behind me and how this day was different than ones
previous. Today I woke up with a confidence not felt before. Today
marked a day that allowed me to live without fear of my past. It was
a day that marked a new beginning and for once felt that the pains
and scars from my past would no longer haught, no longer control, no
longer lead the direction in which my life seemed to be headed.
Something deep inside knew that this was it, this was the turning
point that for months had Been worked on with my therapist.
When it was time to walk in the office a sense of relief fell upon
my heart. See each previous time was marked with anxiety and stress
of having to deal with talking about the painful past that in reality
was something to escape from, not run too. For the past 18 months we
had worked on dealing with the pain and knowing at one point the time
would come to have to not only face it but talk about it all and
believe in doing so that it would not kill me. See for me to get
through each session we had a exercise we did together that would in
turn assist when we were not meeting whenever the fears arose. It
was a place that only the two us could go, it held no fears, no
memories, no hurts, no one person who caused me pain. It represented
my comfort place and in turn had brought me through many a night of
fear and doubt. In it we had all the things that brought joy to my
heart And peace to my mind. There was a ledge and when we sat on the
edge and looked over there was a beautiful waterfall that splashed
into the river below. And as it hit the water below there was a
beautiful rainbow that had my favorite colors. Beyond the edge there
was a garden one that was created for me to be able to have a focus
when the pain got hard to bear. In the garden was a white bunny that
only the two of us could feed a carrot from our hand. The bunny would
come up to us and eat right from our hand. Also there were clouds
that were like cotton balls and so soft that you were engulfed in
them and felt safety and that no one would get in to hurt you. This
was my place, it brought safety, in represented joy, and knew that no
matter how hard it got for me when I was away from the office this
place was always there for me to turn to and hold onto. It brought me
through many a rough spot and allowed me to make it to this day.
So here we are ready to face the past, ready to let go of the
fears, ready to say this is it, no more will these memories have
victory over me but now I would be victories. As the therapist came
in it was evident that something was different about me. The relief
was recognized and welcomed. One thing that for me was a sign of
being able to graduate was when in my heart I knew that us escaping
to our place would be initiated by me, all other times it was not.
This day was the day and there was a security that felt so weird
inside and yet welcomed a refreshment that was a long time coming. As
we began, the events that ruled me for so many years just began to
flow out. One by one each event came to light, and yes it was hard,
and yes there were tears, and yes there was a moment of can this
really be done. Can this really be out in the open and no more fear
to control me. Some of those memories meant having to deal with the
anger, the hate, the ugly that was felt toward myself for my whole
life. The why are you so ugly questions, the no one will ever want
you stabs. The reminder of the nick names (auntja Mimas, rhino, big
thighs, bertha butt) to name a few. The why don't you have friends
question. Then the worse time to relive the day my brother came home
from work and said ( you need to get used to a man being inside you
and it mind as well be me) and in turn raped me. I was in the 9th
grade. That was the turning point were it didn't matter anymore what
I ate, felt, said, did or didn't do. That was when the true weight
gain began for me, though the weight was there it was more after this
point. By graduation my weight had blossomed to 295 lbs and did not
really care. Life and the elements therein had taken me over.
These were all the memories that began to pour out that had plaques
me for at this point to long. My therapist was there beside me the
whole time. The level of comfort that came from her was new and
unfamiliar. That someone cared enough to help me not only talk about
it but deal with it and know that in doing so life would be freeing
and there would be a level of happiness that held no meaning for me
in my earlier days.
Now the letting go part, the knowing that going forward meant no
more nightmares every night, no more fearing my abusers are around
the corner and would hurt me at anytime. No More fearing my life
would have no friends that knew the real me. It was all out now and
so the cleansing began. It had been a long time that had gone by that
a hug felt real and that did not cause me to flinch or pull away.
That it did not cause me to put a wall up and not trust that it was
sincere. It felt sincere, it was sincere, and it was welcomed. At
that moment the layers pealed off one by one and with each layer a
year of my life was added back to me. In this space at this moment I
was growing up. That feeling in that space was a moment that has
continued to this day to allow me to move forward and trust people,
give my heart to people, love people and care to a point of them
knowing my love. I made a vow that day that people in my life would
know my love for them and that I would strive to not allow anyone in
my life to feel as unloved as I did growing up.
In the end before leaving we went to our special place and there was
victory, the bunny had grown up as I had, the waterfall was more
beautiful, the rainbow was shining bright with it's pot of gold at
the end. When leaving for that last time it was clear that no matter
how hard it may get our special place would always be a place to go
to and be reminded of the victories and the growth

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Posts : 5907
Age : 48
Join date : 2011-07-26
Location : Southern CA

My Story Empty
PostSubject: Re: My Story   My Story EmptySat Jul 06, 2013 12:54 am

You are so brave to share that with us. Thank you. I'm so glad you were able to face your fears. May the Lord bless you and keep you.

God Bless, Lora  Nice Ta Meet Ya
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