Darkness All Around
by Kim Holdiman
I lived in a dark world
Never knew my daddy
Momma was always sick
I didn’t know why back then
She’d fall down all the time
Get mad at the drop of the hat
Laugh at nothing
People would come and take me to live with them
It was never for more than a few days, maybe weeks
I remember going home
I was happy
Then momma got sick again
Real sick
Some man came over
He said momma said he could show me “love”
I closed my eyes when his dirty hands touched me
Now I was sick
Before long, momma brought in lots of men to “love” me
At 14 I left home
I thought it would be better
It was like darkness followed me
I slept in an alley
It was cold and dark
So very dark
I couldn’t close my eyes
People were moving all around me
Fear clenched my throat
I had no money, no food
I ate from dumpsters and slept in the dirt
Then a man came by
He seemed kind
He said I could stay with him
He had an extra room
He didn’t seem like momma’s friends
Later I realized he wasn’t
He was darker and scarier
He started hitting me
Then he brought other men
They were like momma’s friends
When I didn’t want to do it
He made me take some pills
Later he had me snort some powder up my nose
Then it was a needle
Everything became a blur
One day he told me to go to the store
I never went back
I got in a car with a guy
He drove me to another town
Of course only if I let him show me “love”
I met some “friends”
They were getting high all the time
Just like me
I still saw men
But I did it on my own
It took money to live
Most of the time I was so high
I didn’t care
Darkness, darkness all around
Sometimes I couldn’t even breathe
One night I got busted
I vaguely remember going in
What I do remember is the pain
When I couldn’t get my next fix
The darkness took over
Then suddenly the cell door opened
And this man came in
He had kind eyes, but so do some others
I withdrew into the corner of my cell
I was sweating and chilling
The pain was overwhelming
I just wanted to die
I thought this man wanted “love”
But the only thing he touched was my hand
He held it and said he’d be there through it all
Was he here to watch me die?
My nose was running
My muscles ached
I couldn’t sit still
I got so sick
He held my hand through it all
As he did I kept hearing him talking
I couldn’t focus on what he was saying
Was he talking to me?
Himself or was someone else there
I didn’t know
Slowly I started to feel a little better
I started hearing him saying something about hope
Hope for what? The street?
Then I heard the word future
Yeah like I had a bright future
Then I heard forgiveness
My entire life was unforgiveable
But for the first time in my life
The darkness seemed to fade a bit
Like someone cracked a door
Letting a little light shine in
I was beginning to focus now
He talked about a forever kind of love
A love that wouldn’t harm me
A love that was real, not physical
I was confused
I only knew one kind of love
And I didn’t want it forever
He told me of a man named Jesus
How He died on the cross so I could live
Not a life like I had known
But a life of joy
I didn’t know what that word joy meant
But he continued to talk to me
Read to me out of a book
He told me I was a chosen generation
He told me God would forgive me
He would give me everlasting life
Not the kind of life I knew
But one filled with love and joy
More light came in from the door
He told me if I confessed my sin
Asked for forgiveness
And asked God to live in my heart
I could have the kind of life
I couldn’t have even dreamed about
He said God could heal me of my drug addiction
He could deliver me from the streets
He held my hands and asked me
If I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart
It was then that I realized I was crying
Not scared tears or sad tears
For the first time that I could remember
I was smiling
They were happy tears
Tears of joy
I said a prayer with the man
And it was like the sun came out
As I confessed my sin
As I asked Him into my heart
Something changed in me
The darkness that had smothered me
Was gone
In its place was a great light
A warm light
For the first time in my life
I felt what real love felt like
I cried and cried
I cried for the life I had lived
For the pain and the fear
I cried for the new life I’d just received
I cried for what could be
The man came back every day
To read to me out of his book
To pray with me
To talk with me
And to listen to me
When they let me out of jail
I realized I’d already been set free
The man took me to a shelter
He introduced me to people
Who also prayed with me
He handed me the book he’d been reading
He told me it was the book of life
He said to read it to find out
What God wants for my life
It was as if I’d been cleansed
I didn’t want drugs anymore
I wanted this hope and future
The book talked about
The shelter helped me find a job
I got my own place
I found a church that
Took me in and loved me
As soon as I was able
I started going into jails
And holding hands
Reading my Book
Praying
Loving
Leading
God is good!
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