adrenaline

The diagnosis was incidental
the comedy of errors that ensued were incredible
as in incredulous...
as in absurd...
there was such urgency and alarm
but every appointment was months apart
months turned into years somehow
and i can feel it growing...spreading
the pain has tendrils and everyday reaches further
now i'm a stubborn guy
but i've wanted to be gone for so long
and just by doing nothing it seems my wish is being granted
i've let it grow...
from my adrenal gland to who knows?
pain is an old familiar friend 
and all fear has flown
i've seen and heard "mystery"
some unknown...become known 
i embrace pain...as a comfort zone
i've tried and failed
i've failed and tried again
but l'm done now...
i will rest soon i know
no one may cut me open again
i'm done with all that
this is no place to call home
no life...
anyone in their right mind
would want to extend
one last time...
i'll hit send
then silence
but wait...
i know i have cancer
i've known for nearly three years
i choose not to fight
fight for what???
have you not seen and heard what is going on?
pain is an old friend since before my formitive years
yes i've experienced the gambit of emotions
but "pain"
pain has been a constant in my life without fail
before being saved and after
on this side and before glimpses through the veil
perhaps it should not have been but it was
and so it is...soon to be over
but not soon enough
i would not wish my life on my worst enemy.