When I Remember God I Faint

O Jesus, sweetest friend
we worshipped God together
You came to me and held my hand
and led me to the Father
the Father drew me to You
and You showed me how to talk to Him
just the way You do


You gave me a heart of flesh
and made all things new
like a babe again I saw and knew
the truth between me and You
that I am yours and You are mine
but the Kingdom is forever Thine

I can barely lift my head anymore
my voice is faint and weary
I tremble in the spirit, Lord
as I've deadened Your heart of flesh
I've grown numb to You in disobedience
I can scarcely cry as I write this
sitting here somber and empty
barely feeling a thing
speaking of my greatest friend and Master
as if I'm writing to a stranger

I just don't understand this anymore
please help mine unbelief
I can barely grasp for You anymore
please lift my voice up in the Spirit
I can't lose You
I don't want to be lost
You are risen, and I am with You
or forever I am lost

I feel like I only knew the Father
because I was speaking through You
but I knew You, dear Lord,
because it was Your Spirit that drove me
to my knees before the Father
your Spirit that washed me clean
that gave me peace and shalom
and I turned my back on You

I did not keep the fear of You
I did not live according to Your Word
I put Your Word at a distance from me
to return to my sovereign will
and my will is not sovereign
just as when I was drunk, I was not selfless
I was only ever selfless when it was You
that drove my self to naught and filled me
with You instead

I'm lost
and I'm terrified and worried
that I'll come to You one day, Lord,
and You'll say You never knew me.
That what I remember and seek after
was just a passing vapour
taking hold of Your hand
in a dream, and waking up
to a glowering face and a voice
as if to a stranger

I just can't find You, Lord,
I speak to You in bed
I think of You all day, my Lord,
but I can't sense you
in my stead
all I feel now, O Lord,
is a sense of impending dread
and a loneliness unbearable, Lord,
because You wrote Your Word upon my heart
and with gladness of heart I read