King, Lion, Lamb

Hear shouts inside the temple
Buy what you need from me!
If you're angry, if you're hurt
Revenge is worth the fee!
Worried? Buy some panic!
If you’re sad, I’ve got a vice!
You’ve sinned? Purchase guilt!
Need some meaning? Take your time.

This place is very busy
So chaotic, crowded, loud
Sellers hawk their pricey wares
So confident and proud
But something isn’t right here
It’s the merchants in this place
They’re staying in the shadows
Each trying to hide their face

I See the King of Light arrive
He can help me see
He looks my way, I call out
And now He stands with Me
“Have you seen the merchants here?
They seem a shifty kind”
“I see” He says, “they need to go
Before they steal you blind”

Walking in the temple
Now illumined by His light
Slowly shadows start to fade
Clearing blurry sight
As my vision sharpens
Truth starts to unfold
It’s lousy imitations
In the temple being sold

“I’ve been robbed! I’ve been cheated!
The prices, far too high!
How dare they do this to me!
It was wrong for them to lie!
Punish them, your Majesty!
You should make them pay!
It’s fiery wrath that they deserve!
Don’t let them get away!”

But He stood there very quiet
And I started feeling weak
He was looking deep within me
I didn’t dare to speak
I saw with clearer vision now
And felt myself undone
For standing there before me was
A King and Lion in One.

He said “I’ve things to show you
If you have a will to see.
But you will need me, child
To illuminate the scene”
“Yes Lord, I am willing
But you see I'm very scared.”
“I know, but I’ll be with you
Take my hand, I’ll lead you there”

As we walked together there
His light began to glow
Showing every detail
Things I didn't want to know
Standing in His brightness
And shielding both my eyes
What His light unfolded
Left me speechless, horrified.

I viewed the scene before me
In shock and unbelief
Salty tears began to fall
My heart was gripped by grief
For what His holy light revealed
What now my eyes could see
Was every single Merchant there
Selling lies, was me

Embarrassed now and so ashamed
I stared down at my feet
The truth was out, I’d fooled myself
I, was my own thief
Swimming now in sorrow
Tears streaming down my face
Is when I felt it happen
He was pouring out His grace.

When I dared to look at Him,
This Lion King in One,
His glowing light began to grow
Something like the sun
He was reaching out to me
A scar was in His hand
It’s then I saw through teary eyes
The third one now, The Lamb.

Together they all went to work,
Or was it only He?
The King in charge was full of power
The Lamb stood over me
While I was safe, but still unsure
Laying on the floor
The ground beneath began to shake
As the mighty Lion roared.

I quaked in awe at things I saw
Space filling with his might
His unleashed holy clearing power
Was setting things to right
Each Merchant there, or was it me?
Met with the Lion great
Eye to eye the King and I
His breath upon my face

Liony breath blew back my hair
A rushing windy storm
Merchant defying. I, in awe
Yet we were one in form
Without a sound He spoke to me
Surrender now your life?
My Merchant knees with rebel resolve,
Stiffened for a fight.

Nose to nose the mighty Lion
Roared a thundering cry
And in that thunderous powerful roar
I heard a kingly sigh.
Then with ruling, righteous roars
The Lion made His move
And at each shifty sellers booth
Authority He proved

With a toss of His mane and a sounding roar
The Merchants start to fall
One by one, their selling done
Banished, one and all.
“They’ll try to get back in” He said
“They’ll want to set up shop.
Watch the door and if they try
You’ll have to tell them, STOP!”

I noticed then, with sorrow great
The Lamb was lying dead
There was no life or breath in Him
My heart was filled with dread
This Lamb, now slain, had saved me
When the mighty Lion’s roars
Where banishing the Merchants
From the sacred temple floor

I knelt beside the loving Lamb
And fell upon His wool
I sobbed out all my gratitude
For saving me, a fool
Protecting me the Lamb had died
For my unworthy soul
He gave his very life for me
He paid a deathly toll

On his silent heart I wept
Until a sudden sound
A pounding in His wooly breast!
He wouldn’t be kept down!
The King in His authority
Ordained that He would rise
And what He says, is what will be
So don’t believe the lies.

Now you know my story
And why I love The ONE!
He saved me from sure punishment
And over death has won!
Because He lives, now I do too
I will forevermore
And I can’t wait to hear again
The Mighty Lion's roar!

Unpublished work © 2012 Lori Visser

Wow, that was beautiful. I love the narrative style in your work, and the message was very strong and very touching. I like the beat in this too, and you kept to it very well. There's really very little I would change about this. I think you did a superb job. But, here's a few very small things I was able to think up that you might consider.

First, I thought you might like to know about the typo in the following line:

But you see I'm am very scared.”

You might think about cutting out any extra words here and there where it will not alter the beat of the poem. For example, in the following line, you can remove the first word without disturbing the beat of the poem:

Was that every single Merchant there

Another thing that might make this a knock out would be to try and play a little with poetry techniques such as Alliteration, assonance, and consonance. It will really give it an edge and create even more emotion.

For example, the alliteration in this line is really nice:

Standing there in sorrow

Like I said, there is really very little I can suggest for improvement. As it stands, it is a well written and moving piece. I love it!

This was really, really long but not a word wasted, really enjoyed it!
i had been preparing a piece about the money changers in the temple and the 'scourging' that was so gentle compared to the one He would eventually endure.
This said it all and more and very well.
The scratchings on scrap paper are set aside for now.

Oh thank you Lora! Thank you oneagleswings! I was really nervous... Have you ever watched someone on American Idol sing who couldn't hold a tune and wondered why they ever thought they might get on the show! I was hoping something like that wouldn't happen to me on CCW, so thank you.

I am very, very excited to have someone tell me how to make improvements in my work. I am also excited about learning better (and more) writing techniques! I remember what alliteration is, but I don't know about assonance and consonance. I am going to find out today!

One of the things that I feel the least confident about are grammar rules, both in poetry and creative writing...and just in general! It is one thing to write something for my own enjoyment, but tough for me to share with others because I am afraid it is packed full with grammar errors. Any suggested books or websites related to this issue would be greatly appreciated.

I am going to make your suggested changes. Will you see my poem after I edit it? I know I'm going to wonder if I am understanding your instruction.

Don't worry about your grammar abilities here. We're very forgiving. LOL Besides, from what I can see so far, you're doing pretty well.

There is a lot of help with writing techniques, grammar rules, and writing mechanics in our "Writing Tips" section. You can reach it at this LINK. There's also a description of assonance and consonance there. I would also recommend getting the book "Elements of Style" by William Strunk. It's short, concise, and very easy to understand. Writers have used it for years. It's the first book listed on our recommended books page HERE. You'll love it.

If you want to make sure that we see your edits, you can either send us a PM asking us to review your work or simply add a post after your poem saying that you revised your work. That will cause your poem to show up as a new post for us and we'll see that. To send someone a PM (personal message) just click the PM icon at the top of the forum that says PM. Also, when you receive a new PM, the icon at the top of your screen turns blue and reads "New PM."

I look forward to reading more of your work, and I feel blessed for having made a new friend. Welcome aboard!

Wow! You're a quick study. I just love it. There are so many parts of this that really stand out to me as excellent. It really moves the heart, and with the changes it does that even more. Poetry is such an interesting art, because not only can it tell an awesome story or elicit imagery with words, but it can evoke emotion just by the sounds it produces and can cause the reader to feel the story or imagery in a unique way. Well done.

Agreed Lora, you mentioned something very significant. Sometimes i can hear a voice in a piece as if it's being read aloud probably due to my experiences in spoken word (slams).
Great point!

You know how much I love Christian Slam

Thanks for your help! It was a lot of fun to tweak it, and your suggestions made it better! I've decided that rarely is anything I have written "finished". Every time I reopen a file, I find some reason to go "Hmmmmmmm" maybe I should.....

Anyway, now what do I do with it? Am I supposed to delete it at some point, or move it?

Welcome to the world of being a writer. We never feel like our work is complete. It's tough to learn when to stop editing. And, no you don't have to delete it. We often love to go back and read the work that was posted on here a long time ago. If you'd like, I can move it to the regular poetry section, I'd be happy to do that for you. More people might notice it that way. Just let me know.

You can send it. I'll be back here with another one! I'm about to put one in the humor area...

WOW! What an awesome piece of work!