Christian Creative Writers

A FREE CHRISTIAN WRITERS' FORUM
 
HomeHome  PortalPortal  PublicationsPublications  SearchSearch  Latest imagesLatest images  RegisterRegister  Log in  SpotlightSpotlight  JesusJesus  
NO REGISTRATION**FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AS A GUEST**NO REGISTRATION**POST YOUR POETRY OR STORIES AS A GUEST**NO REGISTRATION**WRITERS RESOURCES**NO REGISTRATION**CHRISTIAN DISCUSSION**NO REGISTRATION**GREAT WRITING TIPS**

 :: CHRISTIAN WRITERS' FORUM :: PoetryShare
 

 To close to me

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
cm3pak
PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
cm3pak

Posts : 34
Join date : 2011-08-24

To close to me Empty
PostSubject: To close to me   To close to me EmptySun Sep 25, 2011 5:00 pm
The pain that’s in side of me
The rage that resides in me
Open my mouth and nothing but lies of me
What I once was wants to be
Who I am now is suffering
All these things are nothing but esca-lating

Shadows around me
Scrambling,
Feel like I’m drowning
Fighting off all those around me

Need time to sort my thought
Pure adrenaline is over the top
Heart is pounding
The world is growling

STAND BACK
GET OFF OF ME
LET ME SEE THE PEACE AGAIN

Clouded
My judgment is shrouded
Can’t keep my eyes from telling
I’m tired
I’m broken
I’m beaten
Let this misery finish me
No more unpleasant memories
I’ve had the suffering
NOW GIVE ME PEACE EVERLASTING

RUNNING WITHOUT SOUL
Everything seems so cold
Life is full of doubting
Sorting through this crime
Seems like a never ending rhyme
Over and over it goes
When she stops no one knows!

FORGIVE ME
GIVE ME MERCY
Save me from my own worst enemy
I see him
The one who seeks destruction
The reflection in the mirror
Heaven hold me closer!!!!!
I cant escape the moment
Stuck in the path of his movement
Need a solution
Need some salvation
Fall on my knees
Cry out to you
Let , your, light, shine, through!
~Carl Savard


Back to top Go down
dmoran
APPRENTICE (6-25 posts)
APPRENTICE (6-25 posts)
dmoran

Posts : 19
Join date : 2011-09-25

To close to me Empty
PostSubject: Re: To close to me   To close to me EmptySun Sep 25, 2011 5:26 pm
The way you write displays such vibrant emotion, its almost hard to read just because it can be so overwhelming at times. At the same time I feel sort of deprived...I feel like I have so many questions about the soul that has just revealed a peice of itself.

I see the pain and I wonder what the wound is
Back to top Go down
http://whatitmeanstofollow.blogspot.com
cm3pak
PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
cm3pak

Posts : 34
Join date : 2011-08-24

To close to me Empty
PostSubject: Re: To close to me   To close to me EmptySun Sep 25, 2011 5:40 pm
sometimes the ink is my blood...it bleeds through. i will have a follow up soon. didn't mean to leave you deprived :) thanks for the feedback!
Back to top Go down
oneagleswings
ADMIN II
ADMIN II
oneagleswings

CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW GOLD MEMBER
CCW SUPPORTER CCW SUPPORTER
2x POETRY CONTEST WINNER 2X POETRY CONTEST WINNER
Posts : 4323
Age : 64
Join date : 2011-08-30
Location : south carolina

To close to me Empty
PostSubject: Re: To close to me   To close to me EmptySun Sep 25, 2011 7:19 pm
"At the same time I feel sort of deprived...I feel like I have so many questions about the soul that has just revealed a peice of itself.
I see the pain and I wonder what the wound is"
Why not simply ask ?
Back to top Go down
cm3pak
PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
cm3pak

Posts : 34
Join date : 2011-08-24

To close to me Empty
PostSubject: Re: To close to me   To close to me EmptyTue Sep 27, 2011 11:50 am
still looking for feedback even if its negative. not sure if this really eve fits into poetry. any insight would be welcome and much appreciated. thanks!!
Back to top Go down
Lora
SITE ADMINISTRATOR
SITE ADMINISTRATOR
Lora

Posts : 5907
Age : 53
Join date : 2011-07-26
Location : Southern CA

To close to me Empty
PostSubject: Re: To close to me   To close to me EmptyTue Sep 27, 2011 12:10 pm
I like the fast pace of this poem. It really brings the drama of it home. It is poetry. From the feel of it, I think it fits in the genre of slam poetry.

It always helps to cut out extra words where you can. For example, you might try a few of the following suggestions:

All these things are nothing but esca-lating
All these things are esca-lating

Fighting off all those around me
Fighting off those around me

LET ME SEE THE PEACE AGAIN
LET ME SEE PEACE AGAIN
Back to top Go down
http://loraconnor.com
cm3pak
PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
cm3pak

Posts : 34
Join date : 2011-08-24

To close to me Empty
PostSubject: Re: To close to me   To close to me EmptyTue Sep 27, 2011 12:12 pm
Thank you very much for the advice. i think i will toy with that idea of cutting out words. I definitely don't have the mechanics sin the ball park yet LOL
Back to top Go down
worshipfreely
WRITERS’ MENTOR (500 + posts)
WRITERS’ MENTOR (500 + posts)
worshipfreely

CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW GOLD MEMBER
POETRY CONTEST WINNER POETRY CONTEST WINNER
Posts : 832
Age : 51
Join date : 2011-08-29
Location : Hillsboro OR

To close to me Empty
PostSubject: Re: To close to me   To close to me EmptyTue Sep 27, 2011 10:13 pm
Very well written I could hear it spoken like a machine gun staccato as I read. Really liked the emotion, the raw exposure. Well done. Look forward to more.
Back to top Go down
oneagleswings
ADMIN II
ADMIN II
oneagleswings

CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW GOLD MEMBER
CCW SUPPORTER CCW SUPPORTER
2x POETRY CONTEST WINNER 2X POETRY CONTEST WINNER
Posts : 4323
Age : 64
Join date : 2011-08-30
Location : south carolina

To close to me Empty
PostSubject: Re: To close to me   To close to me EmptySat Oct 01, 2011 12:35 am
Very powerful, gripping,
pulls you in and takes you for a ride,
builds up to a thunderous crescendo,
quite awesome !
Back to top Go down
RobertDennisWilson
APPRENTICE (6-25 posts)
APPRENTICE (6-25 posts)
RobertDennisWilson

CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW GOLD MEMBER
POETRY & SHORT STORY CONTESTS WINNER POETRY & SHORT STORY CONTESTS WINNER
Posts : 19
Age : 73
Join date : 2011-09-25
Location : Middleburg, FL

To close to me Empty
PostSubject: Re: To close to me   To close to me EmptySat Oct 01, 2011 9:53 am
This is powerful and raw in its reality and emotion. My brother, your words make my heart want to reach out and grip you with a hug of comfort and acceptance! Your words of expressed emptiness and longing for an elusive Peace almost make me think that you have contemplated taking God's ultimate time table into your own hands. Peace is available! Fill yourself with the Word of God and His promises, for they will dispel your night! Read the Psalms: they are a balm to the hurting heart. And if you ever need to talk, need an unjudemental ear to listen, please IM me.

Just a couple of possible spelling corrections to add:
Should your title's first word be "TOO" [as in "excessively"]?
In your first line "in side" should be compounded as "inside".

Praying for you, Brother!
Bob
Back to top Go down
http://robtdwilson.freeservers.com/Novels.html
oneagleswings
ADMIN II
ADMIN II
oneagleswings

CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW GOLD MEMBER
CCW SUPPORTER CCW SUPPORTER
2x POETRY CONTEST WINNER 2X POETRY CONTEST WINNER
Posts : 4323
Age : 64
Join date : 2011-08-30
Location : south carolina

To close to me Empty
PostSubject: Re: To close to me   To close to me EmptySun Oct 02, 2011 4:18 am
Love reading Psalms !!
Really speak to me.
God Bless.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




To close to me Empty
PostSubject: Re: To close to me   To close to me Empty
Back to top Go down
 
To close to me
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Share this topic...
Link this topic
URL:
BBCode:
HTML:
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Always Close to Me (with recording)
» Cool Video-Eagle Up Close
» truck driver's amazing close call!

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Christian Creative Writers :: CHRISTIAN WRITERS' FORUM :: Poetry-