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cm3pak PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
Posts : 34 Join date : 2011-08-24
| Subject: To close to me Sun Sep 25, 2011 5:00 pm | |
| The pain that’s in side of me The rage that resides in me Open my mouth and nothing but lies of me What I once was wants to be Who I am now is suffering All these things are nothing but esca-lating
Shadows around me Scrambling, Feel like I’m drowning Fighting off all those around me
Need time to sort my thought Pure adrenaline is over the top Heart is pounding The world is growling
STAND BACK GET OFF OF ME LET ME SEE THE PEACE AGAIN
Clouded My judgment is shrouded Can’t keep my eyes from telling I’m tired I’m broken I’m beaten Let this misery finish me No more unpleasant memories I’ve had the suffering NOW GIVE ME PEACE EVERLASTING
RUNNING WITHOUT SOUL Everything seems so cold Life is full of doubting Sorting through this crime Seems like a never ending rhyme Over and over it goes When she stops no one knows!
FORGIVE ME GIVE ME MERCY Save me from my own worst enemy I see him The one who seeks destruction The reflection in the mirror Heaven hold me closer!!!!! I cant escape the moment Stuck in the path of his movement Need a solution Need some salvation Fall on my knees Cry out to you Let , your, light, shine, through! ~Carl Savard
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dmoran APPRENTICE (6-25 posts)
Posts : 19 Join date : 2011-09-25
| Subject: Re: To close to me Sun Sep 25, 2011 5:26 pm | |
| The way you write displays such vibrant emotion, its almost hard to read just because it can be so overwhelming at times. At the same time I feel sort of deprived...I feel like I have so many questions about the soul that has just revealed a peice of itself.
I see the pain and I wonder what the wound is |
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cm3pak PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
Posts : 34 Join date : 2011-08-24
| Subject: Re: To close to me Sun Sep 25, 2011 5:40 pm | |
| sometimes the ink is my blood...it bleeds through. i will have a follow up soon. didn't mean to leave you deprived :) thanks for the feedback! |
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oneagleswings ADMIN II
CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW SUPPORTER 2X POETRY CONTEST WINNER Posts : 4323 Age : 64 Join date : 2011-08-30 Location : south carolina
| Subject: Re: To close to me Sun Sep 25, 2011 7:19 pm | |
| "At the same time I feel sort of deprived...I feel like I have so many questions about the soul that has just revealed a peice of itself. I see the pain and I wonder what the wound is" Why not simply ask ? |
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cm3pak PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
Posts : 34 Join date : 2011-08-24
| Subject: Re: To close to me Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:50 am | |
| still looking for feedback even if its negative. not sure if this really eve fits into poetry. any insight would be welcome and much appreciated. thanks!! |
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Lora SITE ADMINISTRATOR
Posts : 5907 Age : 53 Join date : 2011-07-26 Location : Southern CA
| Subject: Re: To close to me Tue Sep 27, 2011 12:10 pm | |
| I like the fast pace of this poem. It really brings the drama of it home. It is poetry. From the feel of it, I think it fits in the genre of slam poetry.
It always helps to cut out extra words where you can. For example, you might try a few of the following suggestions:
All these things are nothing but esca-lating All these things are esca-lating
Fighting off all those around me Fighting off those around me
LET ME SEE THE PEACE AGAIN LET ME SEE PEACE AGAIN |
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cm3pak PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
Posts : 34 Join date : 2011-08-24
| Subject: Re: To close to me Tue Sep 27, 2011 12:12 pm | |
| Thank you very much for the advice. i think i will toy with that idea of cutting out words. I definitely don't have the mechanics sin the ball park yet LOL |
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worshipfreely WRITERS’ MENTOR (500 + posts)
CCW GOLD MEMBER POETRY CONTEST WINNER Posts : 832 Age : 51 Join date : 2011-08-29 Location : Hillsboro OR
| Subject: Re: To close to me Tue Sep 27, 2011 10:13 pm | |
| Very well written I could hear it spoken like a machine gun staccato as I read. Really liked the emotion, the raw exposure. Well done. Look forward to more. |
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oneagleswings ADMIN II
CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW SUPPORTER 2X POETRY CONTEST WINNER Posts : 4323 Age : 64 Join date : 2011-08-30 Location : south carolina
| Subject: Re: To close to me Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:35 am | |
| Very powerful, gripping, pulls you in and takes you for a ride, builds up to a thunderous crescendo, quite awesome ! |
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RobertDennisWilson APPRENTICE (6-25 posts)
CCW GOLD MEMBER POETRY & SHORT STORY CONTESTS WINNER Posts : 19 Age : 73 Join date : 2011-09-25 Location : Middleburg, FL
| Subject: Re: To close to me Sat Oct 01, 2011 9:53 am | |
| This is powerful and raw in its reality and emotion. My brother, your words make my heart want to reach out and grip you with a hug of comfort and acceptance! Your words of expressed emptiness and longing for an elusive Peace almost make me think that you have contemplated taking God's ultimate time table into your own hands. Peace is available! Fill yourself with the Word of God and His promises, for they will dispel your night! Read the Psalms: they are a balm to the hurting heart. And if you ever need to talk, need an unjudemental ear to listen, please IM me.
Just a couple of possible spelling corrections to add: Should your title's first word be "TOO" [as in "excessively"]? In your first line "in side" should be compounded as "inside".
Praying for you, Brother! Bob |
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oneagleswings ADMIN II
CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW SUPPORTER 2X POETRY CONTEST WINNER Posts : 4323 Age : 64 Join date : 2011-08-30 Location : south carolina
| Subject: Re: To close to me Sun Oct 02, 2011 4:18 am | |
| Love reading Psalms !! Really speak to me. God Bless. |
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