cleo574 WRITERS’ MENTOR (500 + posts)
CCW GOLD MEMBER Posts : 542 Age : 77 Join date : 2011-08-18 Location : Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
| Subject: But Who Am I Thu Aug 18, 2011 1:12 pm | |
| BUT WHO AM I? By Jan Phillips Jesus is my savior, he’s my brother, he’s my friend And I can’t get to Heaven unless I go through him. God is my father, he’s my mentor, he’s my friend And when I get to Heaven, I will be with him. But who am I? I am but a lowly sinner needing forgiveness every day Waiting for the blessings I pray will come my way. But who am I? I am a humble servant of God and his son For I could never do the things they have done. I could never give my child to die upon a cross For a bunch of strangers who would not appreciate the loss. Nor could I love my fellow man the way they must have done. Who am I then that he chose me to be the one That he will take me up in Heaven when my job on earth is done? But who am I? I am but His lowly servant who works both night and day To carry out his wishes in each and every way. So when my life is over and my race is run I will stand beside my God for he’s my only one.
|
|
Lora SITE ADMINISTRATOR
Posts : 5907 Age : 53 Join date : 2011-07-26 Location : Southern CA
| Subject: Re: But Who Am I Thu Aug 18, 2011 1:55 pm | |
| Nice work! I especially love the final quatrain. I thought of a few suggestions that might help tighten it up (just suggestions):
For the line: For a bunch of strangers who would not appreciate the loss. Try: For strangers who would not appreciate the loss.
For the line: Nor could I love my fellow man the way they must have done. Try: Nor could I love my fellow man the way they have done.
For the line: That he will take me up in Heaven when my job on earth is done? Try: That he will take me to Heaven when my job on earth is done?
May God Bless you in everything you do. I know your poem has blessed me. |
|
christianonfire7 PENCIL PUSHER (26-50 posts)
Posts : 49 Join date : 2011-08-13
| Subject: Re: But Who Am I Thu Aug 18, 2011 3:35 pm | |
| I really enjoy this piece here, it's pretty and has so much meaning in it. Only suggestion I'd make to improve it is to cap He/His/Him/You each time you mention God or Jesus in it. Because His name should always be capped in my opinion. God bless, keep writing. |
|
rhymarhyma WRITERS’ MENTOR (500 + posts)
Posts : 549 Join date : 2011-08-11 Location : Denver, CO
| Subject: Re: But Who Am I Thu Aug 18, 2011 8:15 pm | |
| |
|
Sponsored content
| Subject: Re: But Who Am I | |
| |
|