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 Flesh and Blood

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LoriV
EPISTLER (201-250 posts)
EPISTLER (201-250 posts)
LoriV

CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW GOLD MEMBER
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POETRY CONTEST WINNER POETRY CONTEST WINNER
Posts : 201
Age : 58
Join date : 2012-03-08
Location : Michigan

Flesh and Blood Empty
PostSubject: Flesh and Blood   Flesh and Blood EmptyTue Mar 13, 2012 6:28 am

My flesh, My blood
My heart, My child
Wondering, lost
Afraid.
Denying Creator
Unfaithful, untrusting
Alone, Aloof
War!

My flesh, My blood
My heart, Myself
Worrying, anxious
Afraid.
Acknowledging Creator
Faithfully trusting
Pleading, praying
War!

“My flesh, My blood
My heart.” He cried
Dying, atoning
Aching.
Savior Creator
Faithful, trustworthy
Warring, winning
Victorious!

“My flesh, My blood
My heart.” He calls
Whispering, waiting
Aware.
Father Creator
Faithfully entrusting
Bolstering, building
Warriors!

“My flesh, My blood
My heart!” He sings
Accepting, embracing
Rejoicing.
Loving Creator
Faithful Redeemer
Trust triumphant
Peace.

Lori Visser Unpublished work©2005

___________________
Lori
Armor of God cooling off

"The glory of art lies in pointing to The Greatest Artist of all." Ravi Zacharias


Last edited by LoriV on Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:10 pm; edited 1 time in total
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oneagleswings
ADMIN II
ADMIN II
oneagleswings

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Posts : 4323
Age : 60
Join date : 2011-08-30
Location : south carolina

Flesh and Blood Empty
PostSubject: Re: Flesh and Blood   Flesh and Blood EmptyTue Mar 13, 2012 6:57 am

i fixed the centering for you, hope you don't mind.
excellent piece, love it!
"my blood?",
just a suggestion, i like infusing visuals in my writing from time to time but that's totally up to you, i think i do it too much...LOL!

___________________



dove 
 
"To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible."
- Thomas Aquinas
"Dear God, please save us from half the people who think they're doing God's work"
"If the primary aim of a Captain were to preserve his ship, he would keep it in port forever"-Saint Thomas Aquinas 

God Bless
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Lora
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Lora

Posts : 5907
Age : 48
Join date : 2011-07-26
Location : Southern CA

Flesh and Blood Empty
PostSubject: Re: Flesh and Blood   Flesh and Blood EmptyTue Mar 13, 2012 4:36 pm

I totally love this one! Nice use of alliteration, assonance, and consonance. To me, this one actually possesses more emotion and feeling than your rhyming ones. It all really has to do with the powerful words you chose and the sounds that they make. There really isn't much to improve in this one. Therefore, I thought I would just make some punctuation suggestions:




My flesh, My blood,
My heart, My child,
Wondering, lost,
Afraid.
Denying Creator,
Unfaithful, untrusting,
Alone, Aloof,
War(. or !)

My flesh, my blood,
My heart, myself,
Worrying, anxious,
Afraid.
Acknowledging Creator,
Faithfully trusting,
Pleading, praying,
War (. or !)

“My flesh, My blood,
My heart,” He cried,
Dying, atoning,
Aching.
Savior, Creator,
Faithful, trustworthy,
Warring, winning,
Victorious (. or !)

“My flesh, My blood,
My heart,” He calls,
Whispering, waiting,
Aware.
Father, Creator,
Faithfully entrusting,
Bolstering, building,
Warriors (. or !)

“My flesh, My blood,
My heart!” He sings,
Accepting, embracing,
Rejoicing.
Loving Creator,
Faithful Redeemer,
Trust, triumphant,
Peace.

___________________
God Bless, Lora  Nice Ta Meet Ya


Last edited by Lora on Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:20 pm; edited 1 time in total
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http://loraconnor.com
LoriV
EPISTLER (201-250 posts)
EPISTLER (201-250 posts)
LoriV

CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW GOLD MEMBER
CCW SUPPORTER CCW SUPPORTER
POETRY CONTEST WINNER POETRY CONTEST WINNER
Posts : 201
Age : 58
Join date : 2012-03-08
Location : Michigan

Flesh and Blood Empty
PostSubject: Re: Flesh and Blood   Flesh and Blood EmptyTue Mar 13, 2012 5:05 pm

This one was created during a very emotional time! I like your suggestions. Thanks Lora, I appreciate you!

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Lori
Armor of God cooling off

"The glory of art lies in pointing to The Greatest Artist of all." Ravi Zacharias
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Lora
SITE ADMINISTRATOR
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Lora

Posts : 5907
Age : 48
Join date : 2011-07-26
Location : Southern CA

Flesh and Blood Empty
PostSubject: Re: Flesh and Blood   Flesh and Blood EmptyTue Mar 13, 2012 5:22 pm

Awe, thank you and you're welcome. Big hugs Flesh and Blood 1839924927

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God Bless, Lora  Nice Ta Meet Ya
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Flesh and Blood Empty
PostSubject: Re: Flesh and Blood   Flesh and Blood Empty

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