LoriV
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Posts : 201
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Location : Michigan
 |  Subject: Flesh and Blood Tue Mar 13, 2012 6:28 am | |
| My flesh, My blood
My heart, My child
Wondering, lost
Afraid.
Denying Creator
Unfaithful, untrusting
Alone, Aloof
War!
My flesh, My blood
My heart, Myself
Worrying, anxious
Afraid.
Acknowledging Creator
Faithfully trusting
Pleading, praying
War!
“My flesh, My blood
My heart.” He cried
Dying, atoning
Aching.
Savior Creator
Faithful, trustworthy
Warring, winning
Victorious!
“My flesh, My blood
My heart.” He calls
Whispering, waiting
Aware.
Father Creator
Faithfully entrusting
Bolstering, building
Warriors!
“My flesh, My blood
My heart!” He sings
Accepting, embracing
Rejoicing.
Loving Creator
Faithful Redeemer
Trust triumphant
Peace.
Lori Visser Unpublished work©2005
Last edited by LoriV on Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:10 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
oneagleswings
ADMIN II
CCW GOLD MEMBER
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 2X POETRY CONTEST WINNER
Posts : 4323
Age : 64
Join date : 2011-08-30
Location : south carolina
| | Subject: Re: Flesh and Blood Tue Mar 13, 2012 6:57 am | |
| i fixed the centering for you, hope you don't mind.
excellent piece, love it!
"my blood?",
just a suggestion, i like infusing visuals in my writing from time to time but that's totally up to you, i think i do it too much...LOL! |
|
Lora
SITE ADMINISTRATOR
Posts : 5907
Age : 53
Join date : 2011-07-26
Location : Southern CA
| | Subject: Re: Flesh and Blood Tue Mar 13, 2012 4:36 pm | |
| I totally love this one! Nice use of alliteration, assonance, and consonance. To me, this one actually possesses more emotion and feeling than your rhyming ones. It all really has to do with the powerful words you chose and the sounds that they make. There really isn't much to improve in this one. Therefore, I thought I would just make some punctuation suggestions: My flesh, My blood,
My heart, My child,
Wondering, lost,
Afraid.
Denying Creator,
Unfaithful, untrusting,
Alone, Aloof,
War(. or !)
My flesh, my blood,
My heart, myself,
Worrying, anxious,
Afraid.
Acknowledging Creator,
Faithfully trusting,
Pleading, praying,
War (. or !)
“My flesh, My blood,
My heart,” He cried,
Dying, atoning,
Aching.
Savior, Creator,
Faithful, trustworthy,
Warring, winning,
Victorious (. or !)
“My flesh, My blood,
My heart,” He calls,
Whispering, waiting,
Aware.
Father, Creator,
Faithfully entrusting,
Bolstering, building,
Warriors (. or !)
“My flesh, My blood,
My heart!” He sings,
Accepting, embracing,
Rejoicing.
Loving Creator,
Faithful Redeemer,
Trust, triumphant,
Peace.
Last edited by Lora on Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:20 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
LoriV
EPISTLER (201-250 posts)
CCW GOLD MEMBER
CCW SUPPORTER
POETRY CONTEST WINNER
Posts : 201
Age : 62
Join date : 2012-03-08
Location : Michigan
| | Subject: Re: Flesh and Blood Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:05 pm | |
| This one was created during a very emotional time! I like your suggestions. Thanks Lora, I appreciate you! |
|
Lora
SITE ADMINISTRATOR
Posts : 5907
Age : 53
Join date : 2011-07-26
Location : Southern CA
| | Subject: Re: Flesh and Blood Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:22 pm | |
| Awe, thank you and you're welcome. Big hugs  |
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