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LoriV EPISTLER (201-250 posts)
CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW SUPPORTER POETRY CONTEST WINNER Posts : 201 Age : 62 Join date : 2012-03-08 Location : Michigan
| Subject: King, Lion, Lamb Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:53 pm | |
| Hear shouts inside the temple Buy what you need from me! If you're angry, if you're hurt Revenge is worth the fee! Worried? Buy some panic! If you’re sad, I’ve got a vice! You’ve sinned? Purchase guilt! Need some meaning? Take your time.
This place is very busy So chaotic, crowded, loud Sellers hawk their pricey wares So confident and proud But something isn’t right here It’s the merchants in this place They’re staying in the shadows Each trying to hide their face
I See the King of Light arrive He can help me see He looks my way, I call out And now He stands with Me “Have you seen the merchants here? They seem a shifty kind” “I see” He says, “they need to go Before they steal you blind”
Walking in the temple Now illumined by His light Slowly shadows start to fade Clearing blurry sight As my vision sharpens Truth starts to unfold It’s lousy imitations In the temple being sold
“I’ve been robbed! I’ve been cheated! The prices, far too high! How dare they do this to me! It was wrong for them to lie! Punish them, your Majesty! You should make them pay! It’s fiery wrath that they deserve! Don’t let them get away!”
But He stood there very quiet And I started feeling weak He was looking deep within me I didn’t dare to speak I saw with clearer vision now And felt myself undone For standing there before me was A King and Lion in One.
He said “I’ve things to show you If you have a will to see. But you will need me, child To illuminate the scene” “Yes Lord, I am willing But you see I'm very scared.” “I know, but I’ll be with you Take my hand, I’ll lead you there”
As we walked together there His light began to glow Showing every detail Things I didn't want to know Standing in His brightness And shielding both my eyes What His light unfolded Left me speechless, horrified.
I viewed the scene before me In shock and unbelief Salty tears began to fall My heart was gripped by grief For what His holy light revealed What now my eyes could see Was every single Merchant there Selling lies, was me
Embarrassed now and so ashamed I stared down at my feet The truth was out, I’d fooled myself I, was my own thief Swimming now in sorrow Tears streaming down my face Is when I felt it happen He was pouring out His grace.
When I dared to look at Him, This Lion King in One, His glowing light began to grow Something like the sun He was reaching out to me A scar was in His hand It’s then I saw through teary eyes The third one now, The Lamb.
Together they all went to work, Or was it only He? The King in charge was full of power The Lamb stood over me While I was safe, but still unsure Laying on the floor The ground beneath began to shake As the mighty Lion roared.
I quaked in awe at things I saw Space filling with his might His unleashed holy clearing power Was setting things to right Each Merchant there, or was it me? Met with the Lion great Eye to eye the King and I His breath upon my face
Liony breath blew back my hair A rushing windy storm Merchant defying. I, in awe Yet we were one in form Without a sound He spoke to me Surrender now your life? My Merchant knees with rebel resolve, Stiffened for a fight.
Nose to nose the mighty Lion Roared a thundering cry And in that thunderous powerful roar I heard a kingly sigh. Then with ruling, righteous roars The Lion made His move And at each shifty sellers booth Authority He proved
With a toss of His mane and a sounding roar The Merchants start to fall One by one, their selling done Banished, one and all. “They’ll try to get back in” He said “They’ll want to set up shop. Watch the door and if they try You’ll have to tell them, STOP!”
I noticed then, with sorrow great The Lamb was lying dead There was no life or breath in Him My heart was filled with dread This Lamb, now slain, had saved me When the mighty Lion’s roars Where banishing the Merchants From the sacred temple floor
I knelt beside the loving Lamb And fell upon His wool I sobbed out all my gratitude For saving me, a fool Protecting me the Lamb had died For my unworthy soul He gave his very life for me He paid a deathly toll
On his silent heart I wept Until a sudden sound A pounding in His wooly breast! He wouldn’t be kept down! The King in His authority Ordained that He would rise And what He says, is what will be So don’t believe the lies.
Now you know my story And why I love The ONE! He saved me from sure punishment And over death has won! Because He lives, now I do too I will forevermore And I can’t wait to hear again The Mighty Lion's roar!
Unpublished work © 2012 Lori Visser
Last edited by LoriV on Fri Mar 09, 2012 8:53 pm; edited 1 time in total |
| | | Lora SITE ADMINISTRATOR
Posts : 5907 Age : 53 Join date : 2011-07-26 Location : Southern CA
| Subject: Re: King, Lion, Lamb Thu Mar 08, 2012 11:58 pm | |
| Wow, that was beautiful. I love the narrative style in your work, and the message was very strong and very touching. I like the beat in this too, and you kept to it very well. There's really very little I would change about this. I think you did a superb job. But, here's a few very small things I was able to think up that you might consider.
First, I thought you might like to know about the typo in the following line:
But you see I'm am very scared.”
You might think about cutting out any extra words here and there where it will not alter the beat of the poem. For example, in the following line, you can remove the first word without disturbing the beat of the poem:
Was that every single Merchant there
Another thing that might make this a knock out would be to try and play a little with poetry techniques such as Alliteration, assonance, and consonance. It will really give it an edge and create even more emotion.
For example, the alliteration in this line is really nice:
Standing there in sorrow
Like I said, there is really very little I can suggest for improvement. As it stands, it is a well written and moving piece. I love it! |
| | | oneagleswings ADMIN II
CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW SUPPORTER 2X POETRY CONTEST WINNER Posts : 4323 Age : 64 Join date : 2011-08-30 Location : south carolina
| Subject: Re: King, Lion, Lamb Fri Mar 09, 2012 2:49 am | |
| This was really, really long but not a word wasted, really enjoyed it! i had been preparing a piece about the money changers in the temple and the 'scourging' that was so gentle compared to the one He would eventually endure. This said it all and more and very well. The scratchings on scrap paper are set aside for now. |
| | | LoriV EPISTLER (201-250 posts)
CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW SUPPORTER POETRY CONTEST WINNER Posts : 201 Age : 62 Join date : 2012-03-08 Location : Michigan
| Subject: Re: King, Lion, Lamb Fri Mar 09, 2012 7:39 am | |
| Oh thank you Lora! Thank you oneagleswings! I was really nervous... Have you ever watched someone on American Idol sing who couldn't hold a tune and wondered why they ever thought they might get on the show! I was hoping something like that wouldn't happen to me on CCW, so thank you. I am very, very excited to have someone tell me how to make improvements in my work. I am also excited about learning better (and more) writing techniques! I remember what alliteration is, but I don't know about assonance and consonance. I am going to find out today! One of the things that I feel the least confident about are grammar rules, both in poetry and creative writing...and just in general! It is one thing to write something for my own enjoyment, but tough for me to share with others because I am afraid it is packed full with grammar errors. Any suggested books or websites related to this issue would be greatly appreciated. I am going to make your suggested changes. Will you see my poem after I edit it? I know I'm going to wonder if I am understanding your instruction. |
| | | Lora SITE ADMINISTRATOR
Posts : 5907 Age : 53 Join date : 2011-07-26 Location : Southern CA
| Subject: Re: King, Lion, Lamb Fri Mar 09, 2012 12:46 pm | |
| Don't worry about your grammar abilities here. We're very forgiving. LOL Besides, from what I can see so far, you're doing pretty well. There is a lot of help with writing techniques, grammar rules, and writing mechanics in our "Writing Tips" section. You can reach it at this LINK. There's also a description of assonance and consonance there. I would also recommend getting the book "Elements of Style" by William Strunk. It's short, concise, and very easy to understand. Writers have used it for years. It's the first book listed on our recommended books page HERE. You'll love it. If you want to make sure that we see your edits, you can either send us a PM asking us to review your work or simply add a post after your poem saying that you revised your work. That will cause your poem to show up as a new post for us and we'll see that. To send someone a PM (personal message) just click the PM icon at the top of the forum that says PM. Also, when you receive a new PM, the icon at the top of your screen turns blue and reads "New PM." I look forward to reading more of your work, and I feel blessed for having made a new friend. Welcome aboard! |
| | | Lora SITE ADMINISTRATOR
Posts : 5907 Age : 53 Join date : 2011-07-26 Location : Southern CA
| Subject: Re: King, Lion, Lamb Fri Mar 09, 2012 11:21 pm | |
| Wow! You're a quick study. I just love it. There are so many parts of this that really stand out to me as excellent. It really moves the heart, and with the changes it does that even more. Poetry is such an interesting art, because not only can it tell an awesome story or elicit imagery with words, but it can evoke emotion just by the sounds it produces and can cause the reader to feel the story or imagery in a unique way. Well done. |
| | | oneagleswings ADMIN II
CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW SUPPORTER 2X POETRY CONTEST WINNER Posts : 4323 Age : 64 Join date : 2011-08-30 Location : south carolina
| Subject: Re: King, Lion, Lamb Sat Mar 10, 2012 2:34 am | |
| Agreed Lora, you mentioned something very significant. Sometimes i can hear a voice in a piece as if it's being read aloud probably due to my experiences in spoken word (slams). Great point! |
| | | Lora SITE ADMINISTRATOR
Posts : 5907 Age : 53 Join date : 2011-07-26 Location : Southern CA
| Subject: Re: King, Lion, Lamb Sat Mar 10, 2012 12:55 pm | |
| You know how much I love Christian Slam |
| | | LoriV EPISTLER (201-250 posts)
CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW SUPPORTER POETRY CONTEST WINNER Posts : 201 Age : 62 Join date : 2012-03-08 Location : Michigan
| Subject: Re: King, Lion, Lamb Sat Mar 10, 2012 3:25 pm | |
| Thanks for your help! It was a lot of fun to tweak it, and your suggestions made it better! I've decided that rarely is anything I have written "finished". Every time I reopen a file, I find some reason to go "Hmmmmmmm" maybe I should.....
Anyway, now what do I do with it? Am I supposed to delete it at some point, or move it?
|
| | | Lora SITE ADMINISTRATOR
Posts : 5907 Age : 53 Join date : 2011-07-26 Location : Southern CA
| Subject: Re: King, Lion, Lamb Sat Mar 10, 2012 3:54 pm | |
| Welcome to the world of being a writer. We never feel like our work is complete. It's tough to learn when to stop editing. And, no you don't have to delete it. We often love to go back and read the work that was posted on here a long time ago. If you'd like, I can move it to the regular poetry section, I'd be happy to do that for you. More people might notice it that way. Just let me know. |
| | | LoriV EPISTLER (201-250 posts)
CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW SUPPORTER POETRY CONTEST WINNER Posts : 201 Age : 62 Join date : 2012-03-08 Location : Michigan
| Subject: Re: King, Lion, Lamb Sat Mar 10, 2012 5:59 pm | |
| You can send it. I'll be back here with another one! I'm about to put one in the humor area... |
| | | Thena ADMIN II
CCW GOLD MEMBER CCW SUPPORTER POETRY & SHORT STORY CONTESTS WINNER Posts : 2875 Age : 79 Join date : 2011-09-11 Location : Sunny CA
| Subject: Re: King, Lion, Lamb Sat Mar 10, 2012 6:33 pm | |
| WOW! What an awesome piece of work! |
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