I grew up attending a Methodist church; even at the age of four I wanted to talk to God, and knew I wasn't good enough to get into heaven (despite my mom saying "Oh, you just need to be a good girl.") I attended church at various points in my life; it was all ceremony and legalism to me, and I hated it. The church I spent most of my years at was non-denominational (with a Baptist bent). They taught the gospel, but what I didn't realize then (but do now) is that I ‘tried' to do everything on my own; they did emphasize the need to make a ‘decision' for Christ. I must have prayed the sinner's prayer hundreds of times, tears streaming, but then my life didn't change, even though I tried to ‘live the Christian life' on my own. I remember praying to Jesus that He "not forget nor give up" on me. For many years I ran from Him, seeking happiness in what this world had to offer, but finding only an aching emptiness and disillusionment.
But Jesus is faithful, and He heard and answered my prayer. The turning point in my life came in October, 2008, when my hubby and I received a call that my hubby's niece, Molly (16 yrs. old, she was a believer) had been killed instantly in an auto accident. Life become a blur as the family tried to deal with the shock and grief. Meanwhile, I was brought face to face with a question I'd been running from for years: Was I really saved? What if that had been me in that car? Voices tried to dissuade me from thinking about examining where I stood with God, to the tune of "too little, too late, He can't save you now!"
Well, I was tired of those ‘voices', and decided to get before Him in prayer and have Him show me the Truth. I wasn't content to rely on a ‘decision' or ‘decisions' made years earlier. My eyes were opened for the first time concerning what salvation really is; it is all of God, not of man. I couldn't choose to live for Him because my will was ‘bound'. So I asked Jesus to make me willing, to forgive me, and to be my Lord, because I wanted Him in my life so badly, and knew I needed Him. He gave me the faith to believe, and I once was blind, but now I could see. My understanding coalesced in a big, big way when I was listening to a song by Petra, called "Thankful Heart". These lyrics spoke to me powerfully:
I have a thankful heart
That you have given me
And it can only come from You
Finally, something unexpected happened shortly thereafter. I began writing poetry in praise to Him. Below is one of the first poems I penned, a love note/thank you letter all in one:
"Miracle"
You have brought joy to my heart
And peace to my spirit
You have created a miracle
A heart, once cold and unyielding
Has become warm and responsive to You
You have shown grace and mercy
To one who is so undeserving
It is a mystery
That cannot be explained in mere words
But through the eyes of faith
It is accepted and understood
And the mind and heart
Abide with You
In the peaceful, settled rest
That only You can give
To a broken, repentant sinner
You call Your own
Now and forever.
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Isn't that the most amazing feeling when the lights finally come on and you finally say, "Oh, now I get it"? What a beautiful testimony. Praise God! 